Upon the return of Nephi and his brothers from Jerusalem with the plates of brass, we receive a great insight into the relationship between Lehi and his wife Sariah, and a great piece of counsel regarding how spouses should treat each other. When her sons returned, Sariah “was exceedingly glad, for she truly had mourned because of” them (1 Nephi 5:1.) Why? “She had supposed that [her sons] had perished in the wilderness” (1 Nephi 5:2.) Like any good mother, Sariah had likely calculated the time it would take her sons to travel to and return from Jerusalem. She likely knew of the danger associated in dealing with Laban. Maybe this was the first time her sons had been on their own traveling in the wilderness and she knew of the dangers of the wilderness. Whatever she was thinking, her sons were taking longer than she had estimated. Not knowing of the difficulties her sons were facing in securing the plates she seems to have assumed the worst - her sons “had perished in the wilderness.” Nothing surprising here. Sariah sounds like any other good and worried mother.
Then we read, “and she also had complained against my father, telling him that he was a visionary man; saying: Behold thou hast led us forth from the land of our inheritance, and my sons are no more, and we perish in the wilderness” (
1 Nephi 5:2.) This sounds like more than a concerned mother. Sariah’s anxiousness had turned into mourning and then into complaining. It is not clear why Nephi did not use the word “murmur” instead of “complain,” but he did. Nonetheless, it sounds a lot like Laman’s and Lemuel’s murmuring. Why was she complaining? Because Lehi “was a visionary man.” Why? Because he had led the family “forth from the land of our inheritance,” her “sons [were] no more,” and without them, Sariah and Lehi were going to “perish in the wilderness.” Again, sounds a lot like Laman and Lemuel - mocking had turned to anger, but we don’t read anything about violence, yet.
Imagine how Lehi is feeling. At this point Lehi has had to deal with Laman and Lemuel murmuring. He is only hoping that these two rebellious sons remembered the shock the Lord had given them while returning to Jerusalem (
1 Nephi 2:14.) He was no doubt earnestly praying that his one younger son, who had declared he would “go and do” was being blessed to accomplish what the Lord had commanded, and not having to deal with murmuring Laman and Lemuel. Now, his sweetheart and companion was sounding a lot like Laman and Lemuel. This is a defining moment for Lehi, and one from which we can all benefit from his example.
Instead of calling Sariah to repentance and being a vehicle through which the Spirit would shock her, as happened with Laman and Lemuel, Lehi responds, “I know that I am a visionary man; for if I had not seen the things of God in a vision I should not have known the goodness of God, but had tarried at Jerusalem, and had perished with my brethren” (
1 Nephi 5:4.) Notice
Lehi's certainty in what had been revealed to him, "had [I] tarried at Jerusalem, and had perished with my brethren." It is as though it had already happened. Even with this certainty, Lehi was essentially acknowledging that what had happened to this point could sound crazy. However, he had seen a vision and thereby knew the goodness of God (God had warned him to flee into the wilderness.) Otherwise, had he stayed in Jerusalem they would have perished with everyone else. Lehi is bearing testimony to Sariah. Having born witness of the revelations he had received, he declares, “I have obtained a land of promise, in the which things I do rejoice; yea, and I know that the Lord will deliver my sons out of the hands of Laban, and bring them down again unto us in the wilderness” (
1 Nephi 5:5.) Now Lehi was trying to give hope by witnessing that they were headed to a much better place, that their sons would be saved, and they would return to Sariah in the wilderness.
This is a much gentler approach to dealing with Sariah than he had with his sons. Both were murmuring, but his relationship with Sariah was different than with his sons. Why this approach? “And after this manner of language did my father, Lehi, comfort my mother, Sariah, concerning us” (
1 Nephi 5:6.) Lehi was dealing with his worried, but faithful wife, not his rebellions and murmuring sons. His objective was comfort, not correction. What an example to every man. A father may need to correct and plead the Lord “shake” his children. However, when it comes to his spouse, the husband is to be the comforting companion, not the corrective commander. This is likely a principle that can be generalized to both marriage partners. As we work through life, we are to comfort one another, even when one may appear to be murmuring.
The precept that Lehi seems to offer is, when dealing with a complaining spouse, we are to:
- Empathize - Lehi put himself in Sariah’s shoes and saw what she saw. He acknowledged that Sariah’s experience was different from his. He could see why she was feeling what she was feeling.
- Share your story - Lehi provides the rationale for what he had done by sharing what he had experienced. In this case, it included actual revelations from God. We should be very, very careful, and honest, however, to make sure that we only claim revelations when there truly has been revelation. To feign revelation would be one of the worst forms of hypocrisy and deceit for a marriage partner.
- Encourage - Lehi assures Sariah that they are headed to a better place - much better than staying at Jerusalem and perishing - and their sons would return to them unharmed.
- Comfort - Lehi’s motivation was simple, he wanted to be true to the Lord AND comfort his wife at the same time. He was not patronizing, or domineering, declaring “I hold the priesthood and you have to do what I say!” Nor did he claim to have some form of superiority over Sariah insisting she fall in line with his direction! Instead, Lehi was empathizing, vulnerable, and focused on comforting her while acknowledging her legitimate pain.
How did Sariah respond? We don’t know what her immediate reaction was to Lehi’s efforts to comfort Sariah. The result was likely enough to help her hang on a bit longer. However, once their sons had returned Sariah’s and Lehi’s “joy was full,” and Sariah “was comforted” (
1 Nephi 5:7.) With her sons returned as Lehi had promised, Sariah declared, “Now I know of a surety that the Lord hath
commanded my husband to
flee into the wilderness; yea, and I also know of a surety that the Lord hath protected my sons, and delivered them out of the hands of Laban, and given them power whereby they could
accomplish the thing which the Lord hath commanded them. And after this manner of language did she speak” (
1 Nephi 5:8.) It would appear Sariah had exercised faith to follow her husband, while not having her own witness. For her, the witness did not come until after a trial of her faith. Lehi was patient in waiting for her to receive her own witness, during which time he focused on comforting and encouraging, not correcting and discouraging.
What would have happened had Lehi been less comforting or encouraging, or even stern with Sariah? Wasn’t Lehi a prophet? Wasn’t Sariah murmuring? Why shouldn’t Lehi call Sariah to repentance and ask the Lord to shake her just like he had his sons? Lehi was first Sariah’s husband, her companion, not her prophet. He was to comfort and encourage, not correct and command. What a lesson to every spouse determined to follow Christ. While one spouse may ask their companion to do hard things as inspired, the other will receive a witness of whatever inspiration is actually received. Sometimes that may take a while. We should honor whatever faith the spouse exercises while waiting upon the Lord for their own witness. The precept is brought into focus with a simple question, “Are we as willing to wait for our spouse to receive their own witness as we are willing to share our inspiration?”
Think of the impact this had on Sariah’s and Lehi’s sons. As we will soon see, these sons were about to be sent back to Jerusalem to invite a father with daughters to join them in the wilderness. They are seeing, first hand, a marvelous example of a real marriage partnership.
I have found these precepts to be true. When I have tried to live by them I have found myself drawing closer to God. Unfortunately, I have not always followed Lehi’s example. Fortunately, I have a wonderful companion who has been patient and kind as we have both sought to know God’s will concerning our family.
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